This post is dedicated to all the women who go through abuse (psychical/mental). The women who want to stay with their man because they love them too much or don’t have the strength to let go. Just know that you’re not alone. But you should also know that you deserve happiness and kindness and all the goodness in the world. One day you will realise that you can’t take it anymore, but please, I beg you, make sure that it’s not to late. You are not alone.
Our time together seems like a dream now. Pictures and videos are the only things that make it seem real. When I look back I feel like everything that happened was so unreal, it is hard to comprehend that all of that really happened. Where do I start? If I’m ever supposed to tell our story, how will I go about it? Should I hate you? Should I say I’m trying to forget? But all of those statements would be false.
You were like an adventure, that I had to take a part in otherwise I would never learn. Maybe the things that I dislike about you now are the things that made me start liking you in the first place. Your childishness, your indecisiveness, your unapologetic behaviour, your casual attitude, all of these things that made me push you away, were the things that attracted me when we met. My mundane life seemed so colourful with your casual attitude, my plans for the future seemed like such garbage infront of your living each day. When I walked in that relationship with you, I knew it all too well what I was getting myself into, but I fooled myself into believing in the unreal.I am in no way saying that the wonderful moments we shared were fake but they carried a price, and the price was me. Being with you my loneliness started to disappear. I was so hungry for love and attention that I mistook your controlling nature for attention and your addiction of me for love. But I am glad that we crossed paths, because even though it hurts right now, I would have never really understood anything about love. After being in that relationship with you, I realised a lot of thing, I realised what love isn’t supposed to be.
I always thought if somebody cheated on their parter, that is the worst they could do, but my beliefs were wrong, there are worse things in life and I thank you for showing me all of those, because if it wasnt for you, I would still be carrying false notions.
The times you cheated on me is overshadowed by the time we spent during our vacation at the beach. I will never forget how scared I was when you hurt yourself by breaking the mirror, the blood that covered your hand, the image is still alive in my head and when you pushed me and slapped me in anger, I saw my father in you that day. I wanted to cry for help, I wanted to be taken away from you in an instant but only now do I know, that I myself was responsible for that. I let you hurt me, I let you humiliate me and it was me who failed.
You know I understand now, the biggest reason why I could never leave you was because I saw my father in you, you were just like that man. I thought I could have handled things better and you would change, you would heal. But in the process of trying to heal you, my old wounds opened and fresh scars started making their way.
I know, you do not understand why am I letting you go now, when you have started to change. The truth is, you did remove my loneliness, but you hurt me and threw me back in the pit that I took ten years to crawl out of. As time passed, you continued to give me memories, bitter more than happy. I tried to concentrate on the happy parts, I tried to look at the bright side and have faith in you but you made it very difficult for me to breathe. Every second with you hurt.
Only now that I am away from you have I realised that it wasnt supposed to hurt all the time, that I wasnt supposed to be in distress every waking moment. And now that I know, there is no way that I can fool myself into just looking at the good side.
I don’t think I will ever feel the way that I felt with you. Our dancing, our adventures, our foodie moments, these memories will always be with me. But I have decided on being selfish and I can’t let these memories hold me back from doing the right thing.
I was always arrogant about the fact that I was a feminist, yet I wonder why I compromised my morals, my beliefs and myself in that relationship. I feel ashamed that I let myself fall so low, I am disgusted at the fact that I let you call me a slut and treat me like garbage. Where did my feminist attitude go then? I am in a process, I need to forgive you but more than that I need to forgive myself for letting you do what you did to me.
When I lay in my bed at 5 am thinking what exactly happened in that one year, I just go numb. I don’t cry and neither do I smile. These memories just haunt me, leaving me drained and shocked.
In one year and three months, I made a mess of my life. In no way will I ever blame you for it, but I will blame myself till the time I don’t get things right. I knew I was getting in a mess with a messed up person, I thought I was strong enough to handle everything but it turns out I was pretty weak. Im sorry I couldn’t handle us, and I’m sorry I fooled you while fooling myself.
I think I have become stronger, but you have left my heart as a coward, I do not think I will ever have the courage to entrust myself the way I tried with you. The very thought of trusting someone seems impossible, that someone includes me as well. All my mistakes, all my choices seem so foolish right now, so I can never let myself slip into such foolishness ever again.
Our relationship was an adventure that has left me with a life time of lessons, and I know I will do my utmost to make up for my mistakes. The first step towards making things right was ending it with you. I am sorry for everytime that you have been hurt because of me but I am not sorry for ending it, maybe one day you will realise what I have released; both of us were only supposed to teach each other some lessons but we were never supposed to end up together.
My heart will always wish for you to be happy and safe, but my lips will never speak the truth, I won’t let them. All they will say is – goodbye.
PS : Zoya Rana was with me. Remember her.